Playing Catch Up

Last posts were bleak and wintry and often about illness.

I'm happy to report that summer and good health have been reigning supreme. Work is still up in the air (still consulting and have been busy until about a month ago, am getting a strange number of job offers out of the blue!) but good. Am considering taking a real job again (one of the offers seems particularly intriguing).

Still not as far with the decluttering as I would have liked and have subsequently discovered thrift stores! Much of Henry's cute summer wardrobe and my own new wardrobe additions are thrift store finds. Score! Have also rediscovered the delights of the public library. Especially here in Chicago--where you can request books online and they let your know when they are in for pick up at your favorite branch. Awesome. My tax dollars at work in a way that actually feels beneficial. Great.

Need to dash out to buy groceries, pick up more library books and also make some lunch for me, Henry and the nanny. Then time, hopefully to try and tidy my office which is a downright disgrace of a mess. Shame on me.

Feel like I've been good at tackling messiness and disorganisation little by little. Still big piles to get rid of, some kind of inexpensive vacation to be planned, garage sale to be held. Lots to do and never enough time or sleep. Outdoor space this year is fab, however. New outdoor rug (craigslist find) was super addition to deck, creates a terrific outdoor play room for baby. Lots of flowers and red, juicy tomatoes ready for picking all around. Am LOVING our deck this year.

Baby Henry is a walking, talking wonder of a boy. At 19 months, he's a curly headed blond bombshell with a vocabulary of 100 words that he likes to use often. A boy who knows his own mind and will let you know it, but also a cheerful, loving little chap. What did we ever do with all our extra time before his arrival?

Having baby at almost 44 = best decision ever made. Keen to win the lottery one day. But can't be greedy. In so many ways, feel like I already did!

The Path Ahead

So, four inches of snow yesterday was a major underestimate! By the time I got outside to shovel (around 9:30 pm) there was more than a foot of the stuff surrounding our little house. We're talking serious snow removal.

I did the front steps/porch and path up from the sidewalk, the sidewalk in front and the path at the side of the house, the stairs leading to the deck/back door and then also the deck and back door area. I left the path from deck stairs to garage and front of garage for Craze to tackle--my back was killing me after all that heavy lifting! Not to mention that it was snowing the whole time I shoveled, so I came into the house looking like a snow woman come to life.

Despite the snow, our nanny was back today. I hit the 9am weight watchers meeting (-2.4 lbs this week for a total of 14.2 lost so far!) and then met a woman for coffee who has been working for the same company I have been working for. Unhappily for us both, she has also been having a challenging time with the partners and has also been concerned with their ethical standards in some of her dealings with them. Aye, yaye, yaye. . .

Why can nothing ever seem to be just straight forward?

It got me thinking though that there must be a way to join forces with women in a similar situation (smart and hard workers who want to 1) work from home and 2) not work 5 days a week and/or the crazy hours that jobs in our professional often seem to require nowadays). Maybe it's time to revisit my consulting business, but from more of a full-service perspective with other consultants making up the team. Other people do it and have success. Why can't I?

Why do I keep looking for the least disagreeable working option, when really what I need to be doing is creating my own option, suited entirely to me?

I think it's clear that my current position isn't going anywhere. So, it's time I made a way for myself. Now, where I'd put that shovel?

Sorry, Not a Winner. . .

Today is just one of those days. . .

Monday and Tuesday I felt like I was doing a good job of stirring the pot in terms of connecting with folks who might be able to bring me some business. Today, however, feels bleak and my prospects of success very limited.

It all started off fine. Went to my weekly Weight Watchers meeting. Pretty much knew I was going to gain, but only 1.2 lbs, so not too bad. Ran an errand to the grocery store to get a few things I needed (though left my list at home and forgot key items like salt!). Was going to stop at Dunkin' Donuts for a nice, hot cup of coffee on the way home and unwittingly changed lanes and drove right past. Arghhh!

Oh, and even before that, the kicker. . .checked my MegaMillions lotto ticket with the automatic scanner at the grocery store. Scanned the ticket, waited and then saw the message, "Sorry, Not a Winner."

In that moment, I felt like the machine was speaking right to me rather than referring to my non-winning lottery ticket. In that pause between breathes, I felt like "Not a Winner" summed up my life.

Clearly, be it hormones or this grey, winter day, I am just feeling sorry for myself. Yes, I've had some tough times. Yes, things have not always gone my way (least of all the ill-starred junior high cheer leading tryouts of 1979!). But for the most part, I do think I've been able to rise above my circumstances and misfortunes and make a pretty great life. I've traveled and seen a lot of the world. I had a pretty successful career. I have a great and handsome husband who I love. I have a smart, healthy and also handsome baby boy who makes me smile every time I see him. I am healthy and have a cozy, warm home and food to eat. So much wealth. So many good things to be grateful for.

Let's face it, I'm not the homeless guy at Six Corners who lives in the bus shelter and seems to do nothing day in and day out but hang out there and try to survive.

So, why, in the midst of everything that we have, is it so easy on some days to only focus on what seems to be lacking? Even on those days when we can't put an exact name on what we lack, how is it that you can feel so alone? So lost?

I wish I knew the answer. And I wish I'd stop taking pronouncements from lotto machines quite so personally. . .stupid machine.

So Much Time Gone By. . .

So much time has elapsed since my last blog entry that I actually forgot how to log into this thing again!

What to say? My little newborn is now one year and 17 days old. He is a funny, chatty, expressive little wonder. And I wonder daily what I ever did to deserve this amazing (and amazingly blond) little babe. (Said his dark-haired mother.)

I did finally get three job offers. I turned down the "big" job with a fat paycheck, fancy title and big office in downtown Chicago in favor of working 3-4 days per week for a consulting firm where I can continue to work from home. I think it was a great decision. I have a nanny now on my working days, but see my son often during my work day and never feel like I've missed something important. And my job doesn't own my life. I still own it.

Working more frequently while caring for a baby has been a big adjustment, but we are in a much better financial place now. So, much better than last Christmas when we were broke and I used my holiday gift cards on diapers and formula and prayed at Christmas that I would keep finding ways to scrimp, sell or earn in order to cover the mortgage.

Nevertheless, with our new-found income, we have continued to be pretty frugal. Paying down debt accumulated in leaner times and hitting the yard/garage sales like crazy this past summer. I'm still amazed at how well I can do buying lots of things second hand (baby stuff especially). Better financially and better for the environment. A real win-win.

We are still living in that little, sometimes drafty, almost 90-year-old house in Chicago. I'm still thinking of replacing the kitchen floor and redoing the downstairs bathroom and, lately, with a crawling-trying-to-walk baby around, thinking of getting the hardwoods covered with less injurious carpet. But none of the above has been done. My frugal nature insists that I get rid of remaining debt before incurring new costs. So, new kitchen floor and living room carpet in 2010? We'll see.

Craze and I are still going strong. Next June marks 10 years of togetherness. For a guy who seemed to have no interest in kids, he has proved to be a committed, funny and tender dad, who never shirks a diaper change and loves nothing better than the sound of his son's laugh and his beaming little face.

Our animal family is still here, too. Bug, who is mostly terrified of kids, loves Henry. She is so very good with him. The formerly-stinky-big-headed-foster-dog who became our dog is still here, too. He is, however, the most expensive dog of all time (at least in our experience) because of his hip issues and previous leg break (was hit by a car years before we adopted him), but we love him and he loves us and now, at least, I'm actually making some money to pay for his care. And who needs a beach vacation when instead you've got a 70-lb golden haired boyfriend who likes to try and sit in your lap most days? And the Alley Cat and Grey round out that little pack. Both are purring along, soft and sleek and lovable as ever.

I am still heavy. Yeah, I lost the baby weight, but was pretty big to begin with and it's all still there. I'm the frumpiest I've ever been, but mostly zen about it all. On a whim, I had a bunch of my long hair cut off a couple months ago into an impossibly high-maintenance hair cut that made me look like a scarecrow if I didn't straighten it daily. The bleach blond peek-a-boo highlights didn't help. Needless to say, I looked like a scarecrow post-cut most days. Thankfully, two months of growth and a ten-minute hair color session has made me look more presentable (no more peek-aboo!) and I'm looking forward to more hair (along with other changes) in 2010.

I joined Weight Watchers just before Thanksgiving and have lost 5.4 lbs in five weeks. Not bad considering this has included Thanksgiving, baby bday party (and homemade chocolate cake!) and run-up to Christmas. And frankly, while it would be nice to break out of the frump rut, I am more committed to just being in better shape. I would love nothing better than to be able to sit on the floor and play with my son and get up from said floor with ease. It's the "ease" part that I need to work on and Weight Watchers is a first step in that direction.

Not to mention, I have a cute, thin husband who still manages to love me even though I look pretty awful most days lately. Looking and feeling better certainly couldn't hurt in the relationship department.

And like myself, my house is sort of frumpy, too. Aside from the old, chipped kitchen floor, crummy downstairs loo and lack of living room carpet, the onslaught of baby toys and gear has made our clutter issues seem so much worse (and I think caring for a little one has made it a lot easier for the clutter to pile up and stay piled up). My wish for 2010 is that I can streamline myself and my stuff and make my home more livable and easy to clean/maintain in order. It's time for a big purge, all around.

All that said, 2009 was a financially stressful year and the lack of sleep from 7+ months of night-time feedings/baby not sleeping through the night made it harder. But at the same time, it was really an amazing, pivotal year in my life. Having birthed my babe last December, 2009 is the year when I really became a mother in caring for that little boy every single day. It has been the most amazing gift of my life. And even with no money coming in and sitting up for those 4 am feedings, I remember sitting in the dark in his room and reminding myself to cherish every moment. And I think I will remember those middle-of-the-night hours spent nursing and quietly singing to him, looking outside at the snow quietly falling or the shadows on the wall, wondering what this little person would grow to be, for the rest of my life.

And I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude. That my child is healthy and happy, tall and bright. That we still have a warm, cozy roof over our heads. That we find a reason to laugh at least once a day. That I have met new people who shine a light into my life through their own faith and selflessness. That I have founds ways to give back to others who have less.

So, I guess really 2009 was more about riches than anything. I may be frumpy, but I'm sort of fantastic as well. And I guess that's pretty great.

April Already? Time Flies When You're Not Sleeping

Oh, how long it's been, dear blog. That's what happens. One day your little babe is just a little over a week old and suddenly fast-forward and he's four months and five days old already. And you wonder where the time went. . .well, it wasn't spent sleeping. That's for sure. Especially when you're still getting up for those middle-of-the-night feedings. . .

I guess time indeed does fly when your a new, first-time, now 44-year-old mom.

My little one continues to thrive. His formerly broken arm is pretty much as good as new. In fact, my almost three-week-early "little" babe is something of a giant now. 27 inches long and 17 pounds at the four-month mark. He's pretty much outgrowing his 6-month size clothes already. And he's an early teether--been teething already for weeks. Those bottom front teeth are about to pop any day and, oh boy, are they making him, my usually sweet and flirty little boy, a crank monster.

And me? Well, it's a mixed bag. Still no work, so money is a constant worry. And I'm torn. I love looking after my child and my home, but my husband doesn't make enough for me to stay at home full-time. Hopefully, I can find something part-time, but any job is hard to come by at the moment. I've been in touch with long-time colleagues in my profession to see if they have any openings or know of any and I've been surprisingly totally blown off for the most part. I find it hurtful and quite staggering. People that I know very little, acquaintances really, have been the most helpful in my job search. I guess it just goes to show that you can never really know some people. People are often not, in reality, who they lead you to believe they are. Well, never mind.

If I wasn't so broke, I might actually say that this was one of the happiest times of my life. Heck. I'll say it any way. This is one of the happiest times of my life.

I have a little miracle child and every day I find more reasons to be grateful. Grateful for my wonderful, hard-working, funny husband who clearly loves being the father of his child. Grateful that the sun is shining on my back and spring is finally coming to still-cold Chicago. Grateful that I can be honestly content with what I have. Grateful that even in these hard times, we will find a way to get by. This I know.

In the end, everything will be really fine. Better than fine. Possibly great.

Crazy Cat (and Dog) Lady? I Think Not!

Back from Detroit, the Motor City, I'm surprisingly tired. The weekend was fun. The Red Wings trounced the Black Hawks on the ice making it a rousing game to attend. Craze and I spent quality time with my lovely in-laws (who I actually really enjoy) and his older brother. The Bug loves her "grandparents" too, so had fun reeking havoc in their home (she's good, really). And my brother-in-law gave me a belated b-day present--a new orchid plant with yellowy/green flowers in full bud. I LOVE it! That makes three orchids I have in bloom at the moment with two more sending up flower spikes. A couple of the plants haven't bloomed in almost three years--it's a spring miracle!

Trying to get back in the swing of daily life. Just heard back from my OB/GYN that my progesterone is good, indicating good ovulation--hurray for me! Waiting to hear back on the results of Craze's fun semen analysis. Baby making on the brain.

Oddly, I also have dogs on the brain. I saw a dog on petfinder.com last week and I have become obsessed with him. He's had a broken leg, was almost euthanized recently at an Indiana shelter and has heartworm, but I just want to hug him and give him a comfy bed to sleep on. I'm looking into a possible foster/adoption through the group that rescued him from the shelter. I just need to be sure that he would get along with the Bug and not eat my cats. I'm waiting to hear back with baited breath. For some reason, I REALLY want that dog. I have the same weird feeling about him as I had the first time I saw the Bug at Chicago Animal Care and Control. . .I feel that he is destined to be mine. Besides, the poor doggie has had a hard life. Where better to lay his head than in the Sumner household where animals frequently sleep with the humans, get to lay on the couches and are generally spoiled, spoiled, spoiled?

I need another pet like I need a big ole hole in my head--that's for sure. I think Craze thinks that I'm turning into a crazy cat (and dog) lady. Do I have animal hoarder written all over me?!?!?!?!? I think not. But four rescued pets would surely be the limit. When I talked about getting the dog, Craze looked at me and said "You're trying to turn my home into a nursery and a menagerie," then laughed. Secretly, he totally knows that our lives are so much richer with our little furry friends around, he just doesn't like to admit it.

So, animal hoarder? No. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

April Thus Far

I think the duration of my "Secret Project" work has given me some kind of serious repetitive strain issue with my right arm. It hurts now ALL the time (even when I sleep). It started when I was working on the project but that finished up two weeks ago and I haven't been logging so much computer time. I blame my keyboard set up. We have an old 1920's waterfall desk that I type on and I think it's too high and the mouse is in an inconvenient place. I need to either move the computer downstairs to my modern desk in my office or get a new computer for that desk (our current one is 5+ years old--so might not be a bad idea).

It's been grey and dismal here most of the week but busy. Monday I saw my therapist Jane which I now really enjoy, did some work for a small project, went to my book club where there was, thankfully, no hand holding or meditation as we discussed "A New Earth" and tonight I worked 'til 5:30, cleaned up the kitchen and then made some yummy chicken chili out of a bunch of leftovers and then we went to see "Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day" which was really good.

I also went to my OB/GYN this week for a follow-up visit after 5.5 months of non pregnancy and was shocked when I didn't have to remove any clothing. My doctor was very impressed with my temperature/ovulation charts that I've been keeping since September and thinks my cycles look "perfect"--which I guess is good. Next up, Craze has to get his semen analyzed (fun for him!) and then if that checks out we go from there. I also have to go back next week for a blood test to check my progesterone levels. Oh joy! I'm hoping I just get pregnant this month and have done with it. Fingers crossed.

Today I lucked out and got to go to the Oprah taping for an upcoming show on "A New Earth." It was cool but a little disappointing. I was really looking forward to seeing Eckhart Tolle, but he wasn't there. Big bummer! I'm slightly enamored with that quiet little German man. His book has been very enlightening to me though and I've learned a lot of things that I've been able to put into practice in my life and I really do feel like my life is better for it.

And almost, but not quite, last but not least, I got all my hair cut off last week into a Katie Holmes style bob. It looked great at first, but after a while I noticed lots of un-even, straggly bits and then I noticed that the right side was quite a bit longer than the left side. I've now cut my own hair like seven times trying to even it all up. Lesson? Never let a youthful Albanian cut your hair.

We're off to Detroit for the weekend. Craze has tickets on Sunday to see the Red Wings with the rest of his clan. He is loving the hockey this year. Fun for all!

PJ's Pertetuate the Doldrums

One hour later. . .showered, attired in "real" clothes, tarted up. Professor Craze always says that you feel better once you ditch the pajamas and get dressed. I think he's probably right. Lazing around in the PJ's seems to simply perpetuate the doldrums.

Did anyone say late lunch? Oh and I guess I'll tackle a few things on my to-do list. . .before I get too tired!

WTF?

Since the demise of my every-hour-consuming, 6-week Secret Project and non-pregnancy, I can't seem to get with the program.

Easter Brunch is a bust. My brother and family are too busy to come, so forget it.

I went to see my old dementia-addled dad the other day only to find out that his 93-year-old room-mate Saul is now deceased. He was a cranky old guy but, unlike my dad, had it all going on in the brain box. I liked chatting with him whenever I stopped by to take Dad out for lunch. His sudden departure bummed me out. Of course, luckily for Dad, he doesn't even remember that he had a room-mate, so Saul is not missed. There's no lingering sadness there.

It's 1:20pm and I'm still in my PJ's. Feeling lazy and blase. There's laundry to do, errands to run, groceries to buy, dinner to figure out and a Bug to be walked out in the sunshine. Oh yeah. I also need to clean up my office, sort out all our tax paperwork, the kitchen could use a good Spring clean, blah, blah, blah. So MUCH to be done if you really think about it. I have the luxury of time on hands but it all seems so tiresome.

Can't I just take a nap. . .again? Or maybe muster up the energy to take a shower and put on some real clothes?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Not Preggers

After experiencing a whole host of delightful pregnancy symptoms over the past week, it turns out that I am actually not pregnant at all. Huh!

My body is beginning to annoy me with its inconsistent weirdness. Think I'll go take a non-pregnancy fatigue nap. My brain is tired from thinking about all this crap.

Saltines and Ginger Ale

Free Day!

Secret Project finally complete: check!

Time is my own again (no calls to wait for, email to check, nothing to write or review or blah, blah, blah): check!

Sun is shining and I'm going out to shop: double check!

I'm so excited about having some time to myself, I hardly know what to do first (napping is the first thing that comes to mind, but not gonna happen 'til later). I think I'm going to head to Target for odds and ends and then onto TJ Maxx to see if they have a lovely purse for spring that I really don't need. I'm jones-ing for a new purse.

Could the afore-mentioned jones-ing be the reason for my persistent queasiness today? I'm either pregnant or about to have a visit from my aunt (as some say, but I've always found annoying). Time will tell. . . saltines and ginger ale anyone?

At the Start of Something Great

I am proud to say that even with all my overwork, "Secret Project" lunacy of the past weeks that I have still managed to stick to my new diet regime. I'm down another 1.5 lbs this week for a total of 14 lbs in the past nine weeks. I realized today, that's like losing one of those plastic containers of kitty litter that always seem so heavy. Wow! I have to say, I do feel lighter and better. My clothes are looser, my joints don't hurt like they did and I just feel more awake when I get up in the morning, more energetic.

I am really pleased with my accomplishments and feel like I'm on a great path.

Other than that, I'm pretty much hanging out this morning to see if I have any last minute assignments from the afore-mentioned "Secret Project" which is finally winding down. Hurray!

As I've said before, I have LOVED making the money on this thing even if the work has been a little overwhelming at times and the subject somewhat dull. It's been good just to have a place to go on some days that wasn't my own home and interact with smart people on a daily basis (versus spending most of my day chatting to the Bug, Grey and the Alley Cat). They are loyal business supporters and good listeners, but have little to offer when it comes to real input (unless the Bug's daily barking rant at the mailman counts).

I'm excited that Spring is on its way and that the sun is shining today. With the end of this big work project, I feel like I'm at the beginning of something great again. Stay tuned and we'll see what it is!

This Birthday, I Really Cleaned Up!

The "top secret" project is doing me in, people!

I was working most of the day on it yesterday and again until 2am this morning and then again at 8:15 this morning. It will be over in the next couple of weeks. And it's been good to be busy again and I sure do like the money. But. . .

I. AM. DOG. TIRED. (No offense, my little Bug).

Other than that, it was actually my birthday this past weekend. Craze and I headed to Detroit to spend it with his parents and other relatives, who I'm fortunate to actually like (and I got to see my super cute nephew, V).

I got a lot of great gifts: yummy soaps and smellies from Lush--my fave; magazine subscriptions I've been wanting; the book Marley and Me, perfect for the dog-obsessed person I am; some lovely fake diamond earrings; a new Fiestaware color place setting that I didn't have (Must have EVERY color! Hello, "Heather"); and not one BUT TWO bottles of my favorite Bliss cleansing milk that I am too cheap to buy for myself. You could say (sorry, I can't help myself. . .) that I really cleaned up!

We also went to the Detroit Institute of Art where I had never been before even though I've been to Detroit what seems like a thousand times (I was going to say "million times" but that would just be exaggeration for its own sake). It's a really great museum. What a pleasure just to walk around that lovely sunlit building and look at magically beautiful things!

Other than that, I ate what seemed like a lot of Detroit-style pizza (THE BEST!), chocolate cake (not the best, but I ate it anyway), a sticky bun (yum) and a host of Lebanese delicacies and plain old regular food as well. And shockingly, I actually lost two pounds this week--the diet gods were giving me a little birthday gift I think. That's 11.5 pounds lost so far (in like six or seven weeks) and I'm sticking with it.

Now, back in Chicago, nose to the grindstone once again, I'm writing down every morsel and laying off the pizza and cake. But it sure was fun while it lasted.

Is the In-Crowd Tire-ing?

Busy working today but got to wrap around 3 pm which is great. Leaves time for me to make bed, do laundry, walk dog in daylight. Actually, I'm sort of excited about it. There must be something wrong with me. . .

Just sent over my invoices for the work I've done over the past few weeks on my previously noted "Top Secret Project" (makes it sound way more intriguing than it actually is!). I'm excited that I'll have some good $$$ coming in. Finally, Craze and I can pay off some of the credit card debt which crept up on us last year during my work drought. Also, I think we're going to go a little crazy and spendy and lash out on new tires for the car. Wow--living high on the hog, for sure.

I'm hoping to finally see Juno this weekend and Craze scored free tickets (sometimes it pays to be a loyal NPR listener!) to a cool concert on Saturday night with a group called Super Furry Animals.

Yes, we're cool, hip, DINK (dual-income, no kids) urbanites always hanging with the in-crowd. . .I wonder if the rest of the in-crowd will also be at the Sears tire center this weekend. Hmm. . .

I Can't Believe It's Not Fattening

Just polished off a Weight Watchers approved sloppy joe, fries and baked beans. I had to double check the points, because I was sure I must have exceeded my total. But I've got 3.5 points left for the day. Shocking what you can do when you know how to cook. I can actually make food that tastes too bad for me to be good. . .but it is. Amazing.

We were checking out Tina Turner on the Grammies during dinner. Man! That woman is a wonder. She's still got it, that's for sure (even though her stylist should be fired, I'm sad to report.)

Other than that, I stayed in today because it's been ZERO or below all day. I know I live in Chicago and all but. . .DAMN! That's cold!

It did give me a chance to keep reading "A New Earth" though, which is really quite insightful. I can totally see where my ego has led me into all kinds of missteps over the years. Ego=bad. Authentic self=good. Over simplifying, you say? Ok, maybe I am, but I have a good excuse. I just let the dog outside and think I got some frostbite on my brain.

Just Another Day

I woke up unusually early this morning. Especially for me, the perpetually late sleeper.

But I was actually up by 7am and already working on my latest assignment on the computer. I had to leave the house at 1pm for a client meeting, so I worked for a few hours, then made coffee and oatmeal. Fed the animals, did a couple loads of laundry. Showered, thought about coloring my gray roots first and then decided I was just pushing my luck time-wise. Tidied up a little (our house is a case-study in clutter at the moment). Let the Bug out. And then in. And then out again (repeat). Sent a few more work-related emails. Removed my cracked and peeling nail polish. Scratched the gray cat. Put on some make-up and tried to make my gray-rooted hair somewhat more presentable (I was not really successful in this pursuit). Organized all my work materials in manila folders and put the ones I needed in my bag for my forthcoming meetings. Scratched the alley cat.

Then, I made myself a sandwich (turkey and cheese) to eat in the car (washing my hands first, of course, after said cat scratching), grabbed a granola bar and a bottle of water. Wrote down how many WW Points it all was (must stay on diet track!) and gave the Bug a treat and doled out yet another scratch before locking up and hitting the road for my meeting.

I arrived in plenty of time even with all the Friday afternoon, downtown Chicago traffic. Took care of business before heading back out into the rush hour traffic, arriving home about 6:15pm.

I let the Bug out again. Doled out more scratches and treats and doggy and kitty cat dinner all around. Emptied the dishwasher so I could get the dirty breakfast dishes (the ones I ran out of time to clean up earlier) into the dishwasher. Geared myself up for making dinner although I was famished and had no inclination to make the proposed tacos. Greeted Craze. Convinced him that we should go out for cheap and tasty Ethiopian food (as long as I would drive since he'd been driving all day). Went out for yummy foreign cuisine. Hit Target on the way home. Craze bought Wacky Packages (he's called Craze for a reason, people!). I bought some new underwear, on-sale cereal, tissues, kitty litter, coffee and replenished oatmeal supplies.

Drove home through the newly falling precipitation (a little like clear Mr. Misty hitting the windshield). Stopped at Dunkin' Donuts/31 Flavors on the way. I got a coffee with skim milk. Craze got an ice cream sundae with two kinds of ice cream, nuts, caramel sauce and whipped cream (Can I have his metabolism, please, please, please?).

Finally got home. Carried in the Target purchases. Took the Bug outside after being in the firing line of her attacking, body slamming, I'm-SO-HAPPY-to-see-you welcome. Put away all that stuff we bought (except for the SIX boxes of super-low priced cereal (AND I HAD COUPONS!)--still need to find a place for them.

Sat at the kitchen table. Wrapped a couple of birthday gifts. Retired with my remaining coffee to watch my Tivo'd soap (I'm secretly addicted to Days of Our Lives). Watched it, pausing to let the Bug out. And then in. And then out again for one last time.

Oh, yeh. Then let her back in again before locking up and heading upstairs for bed.

Checked email again. Got side-tracked from sleep by computer and started typing, "I woke up unusually early this morning. Especially for me, the perpetually late sleeper. . ."

Sad News

I am very saddened by the deaths of the five women at the Lane Bryant in Tinley Park, IL. I shop at one of the LB locations in Chicago every couple of months. Why, I was just there about ten days ago and bought a pair of jeans on sale. The store is always quiet, often with just me and one or two sales clerks in the place. It's just so unfathomable that you can be murdered just for shopping for plus-size clothes. It drives home how the actions of one individual, in just a few moments, seconds even, can cause such irreparable harm to innocent people.

I know, I know. Wrong place, wrong time. But, it reiterates the tenuousness of life in general. And reminds me how lucky I am just to be alive.

My prayers are with the families of those women.

My own mother wasn't shot, but she died suddenly and unexpectedly at a young age. But even I can only imagine the horror, disbelief and devastating grief they must be feeling. I feel so sorry for them and for the young lives lost that will never have the chance to live out their own potential.

I just hope they get that guy, and soon. And I hope he never sees the light of day again. I don't believe there is forgiveness for this type of crime. I do hope that the families can come to terms with this at some point in the future and get on with their lives. That they can find their way to forgiveness as a balm for their heartache. But there is no rehabilitation for this murderer. I really don't believe you can ever right this kind of immeasurable wrong.

Itching to Talk

I have an itchy toe problem. I'm not sure how or why it's happening, but I have the most maddening itch around the base of my middle toe of my left foot. And no amount of scratching on the desk, carpet, edge of stairs, with or without sock, seems to provide the desired release. It's almost like an internal itch. Is that even possible?

I think I'm going to have to take a Zyrtec and hope for the best. That's what I lived on last year when I had non-stop hives for six solid weeks (you wanna talk about itchy!). Yes, SIX weeks. At many points during that time, I really did begin to feel like some beleaguered biblical character. Scratchy and spotty. It's times like that when working from home really is tops.

And speaking of working from home. . . I'm in the midst of a top secret pitch project which is taking up most of my time. This is good--I'm making money again. Hurray! I have also found that I am getting into the more challenging aspects of the assignment. I guess I do, in fact, enjoy using my brain. Good to know.

Other than that, I need to get outside shortly to help Craze tackle the ten feet of snow that fell last night. I wonder if snow shoveling is listed on the Weight Watchers web site in terms of activity points? I've been sticking to my fiber-rich, point-counting regime and am proud to report that I've lost 6.5 lbs. in three weeks. Good for me. Now, if only I can trade some snow shoveling activity points for some kind of chocolatey treat, all will be right with the world.

Except for the snow, of course. There's just too damned much of that.

Snow's Not the Only Thing I Shovel

I've always been a good liar.

My mother always used to say that a liar has to have a good memory. Luckily for me, mine is excellent. And while I think myself particularly talented in the telling of untruths, I also value honesty very highly and usually try to stick to the straight and narrow as much as possible. It just feels lighter living with a clean slate. Leaves valuable memory cells free for more important things.

That said, I've certainly shoveled my fair share of shit over the years. But, I've almost never lied about anything really important. Probably my most significant, premeditated lying occurred in my early teens. For example, I made up a couple of stories and got my brother to back me up so that my parents wouldn't find out that we'd been smoking my dad's cigarettes.

I lied about how the yellow candle wax got on the sculptured, green upstairs hall carpet. I can't even remember what lie I told, but it was enough for my parents not to ground us right before my friend Sarah's thirteenth birthday party. Which is exactly what they would've done if they'd have found out that we'd had all the neighbor kids over one afternoon for a seance and knocked the candle over when some spooky shadow (shaped like an ax!) appeared on the wall. To my mind, that lie was pretty justified. After all, if my parents really wanted the house to be a seance-free zone when they were at work, they wouldn't have left me, at 12, solely in charge of my 9-year-old brother. All day. All summer long.

And of course, as I got older, I had new life experiences to weave tall(ish) tales about.

I've lied about how many men I've slept with. Not because I've done a lot of whoring around but because, on occasion in conversation, the number seemed pitifully low and it made me feel unsexy and undesirable to admit it. And besides, I totally feel that it's only right to count one man twice since there was a twelve-year gap between our sexual adventures and we were both different people during the second go around. There you go. Not lying, really.

I sometimes tell the story of the boyfriend I had just before I met Craze because it makes people laugh. The pre-husband boyfriend, Joe, had the smallest penis I'd ever seen except for, maybe, while diapering a toddler. So little in fact, that I only saw it once when it wasn't erect and it was like a little, flesh-colored button really. What's unfortunate about that story is that it doesn't involve even the tiniest bit of a lie.

I do though tell white lies occasionally about things most people lie about. How much I weigh for example (I claim less). How tall I am (I claim just slightly more).

I've told people they look fine when they really don't look their best but telling them so would only make them feel worse. I've told recruiters that I make more money than I actually do. Since working for myself, I've claimed to be on a conference call when I was really just catching up on laundry so I'd seem more in demand.

I've bought expensive items in their original boxes on eBay for a pittance, given them as gifts and let some people think I spent a fortune. Though I guess that last one isn't lying per se. It's just being kind of sneaky and, to my mind, pretty clever actually. Financially astute, even. Come to think of it, I pat myself on the back for that one.

Probably the worst lie I ever told was said to my mother. She had collapsed suddenly early one Sunday morning and couldn't catch her breath. After calling 911 for an ambulance, I sat with her trying to calm her. Sitting on the floor together at the side of my parents' bed, waiting for what seemed an eternity for the paramedics to arrive, I told her the same thing over and over again.

"Shhh," I'd say to her as she tried to speak, brushing her hair back from her forehead the way she always did to me as she sat at my bedside when I was trying to fall asleep. "Just be quiet. The paramedics will be here in a minute and you'll be fine. . . You'll be fine."

But she wasn't fine.

After she finally got to the hospital, she died less than three hours later after a particularly nasty battle with a rogue blood clot. She was only 50. "You'll be fine," was probably the last thing I ever said to her, yet again, as they carried her from our house on the gurney.

That's the only lie I've ever told that's really tortured me. Why, I'm not really sure. "You'll be fine," was really more a statement of a wish on my part than some contrived untruth.

Twenty-two years after her passing and thanks to two years of therapy, I've finally gotten over the guilt of that lie. And the stupidity of it really is that, wherever mom is, I'm sure she's never held it against me. Not even for a second.

But the candle wax, cigarettes and sex with HOW MANY men? That might be a different story altogether. . .

A Shoe That Doesn't Fit Anymore

Last week I interviewed for a job that I was somewhat excited about. . .initially. Though, since that day, I've had some misgivings about going back to fast-paced, corporate life. I need more of a regular income and, theoretically, if I got a job doing what I used to do, I could clean up.

But I have a feeling that it's not gonna happen.

I thought the interview last week went pretty well. I was witty, well-dressed and imminently qualified. But frankly, I had a job interview a couple of months ago that I thought was a shoe-in and nothing came of it. So much for my take on things. It's beginning to make me doubt myself when I've usually had such good instincts in the past.

The reality of the whole situation is that I need to make more money. My freelancing isn't reliable enough to keep my family afloat long term--at least not at the current pace. But going back to what I used to do just feels like I'm trying to force on a shoe that doesn't fit any more. Maybe prospective employers are sensing that, too?

When I think of being back in an office every day, the traffic of the commute, the hoards of weary-looking people, the traveling, the annoying clients, it makes me die a little inside.

I did the same work for almost twenty years and I'm honestly at a loss about what else I could do where I wouldn't have to start at the absolute bottom. I love to write and I feel more committed to that than ever. But in the short term, that's not going to help pay my mortgage.

I do feel certain about a way ahead for myself in terms of a long-term goal. I need to work on my writing projects and actually finish something. Be more goal oriented. Try to get something published. Be more authentically myself. That is the way forward.

But how do I find work in the meantime that makes me a decent amount of money and gives me some personal fulfillment? That is the quandary.

I wish so much that I knew the answer. Now. Today.

But the truth is that not knowing is just another part of this journey. And I need to embrace the uncertainty, too. Because the answer is up ahead, just out of sight. I'll find it soon enough. But I guess, if I've learned anything over the past couple of years, I know that how I come to it is just, if not more, important than the answer to it all.