Monday, January 29, 2007

Happy Birthday

Today would have been my mom's 72nd birthday had she not died all too young at 50. I just went and bought some flowers for her. I think it's more fitting to celebrate her life than remembering the day that she died. I loved her so much but it's been so long since I saw her I often feel sometimes that I never had a mother at all. Twenty-two years of soldiering on will do that to a person I guess.

I bought pink and orange tea roses with some purple and green flowers mixed in. I think she would have liked them. I'm hoping she can see them wherever she is and that they make her smile. What I wouldn't give to share just one more cup of tea with her and chat like we used to do. Or hear her say my name again. To see her laugh so hard that tears would stream down her face like they sometimes did. Or have her tuck me in, kiss me goodnight and run her hand over my forehead.

She was such a quiet woman but steely in ways I did not realize until she was gone. She gave me a love of beauty and taught me kindness. Her name was Grace, which was so fitting for the woman she was.

Loving her and then losing her made me who I am.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

So Sorry

I’m so sorry that your brother is dead. I know you had a tumultuous relationship, but it still has to hurt. If I could, I would hold you in my arms and just let you cry for as long as it took for you to feel even a little better.

But that would require us being together. In the same room. In the same state. And since I haven’t seen you for years, that’s unlikely to happen. I cannot comfort you because you won’t let me.

Still, at this moment, I’m wrapping my arms around you. Can you feel them? I will whisper in your ear that everything will be all right. The pain will subside. Life will start to feel normal again at some point not too far down the road. The hurt will not be so sharp in the days to come.

I am sending my love for you across the miles hoping it fills you with warmth and strength and comfort. Remember that people love you. I, among the rest.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


I'm not sure if it's because Monday this week was officially deemed the most depressing day of the year (scientists figured this out people--I'm not making this up), but I can't seem to get going this week.

I've had a low grade headache for three days and my stomach is bothering me. I just feel whiny and cold. I'd like to take a Valium and just have a long nap. Not sure what my problem is, but I'm definitely out of sorts. My house is a mess, the dog is unwalked and everything I should be doing just keeps piling up. And no matter how many ibuprofen I swallow, my head just keeps hurting. It all started last week when I had a few too many vodka and lemonades one night (which is very unlike me, since I hardly ever drink). Can a hangover really last a week? That seems to be my trajectory here.

I've been drinking water, taking my vitamins, eating yogurt crawling with live cultures and nothing seems to be working. Can you die from January? Or more precisely, January in Chicago? I'm starting to wonder. . .