Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Sorry, Not a Winner. . .

Today is just one of those days. . .

Monday and Tuesday I felt like I was doing a good job of stirring the pot in terms of connecting with folks who might be able to bring me some business. Today, however, feels bleak and my prospects of success very limited.

It all started off fine. Went to my weekly Weight Watchers meeting. Pretty much knew I was going to gain, but only 1.2 lbs, so not too bad. Ran an errand to the grocery store to get a few things I needed (though left my list at home and forgot key items like salt!). Was going to stop at Dunkin' Donuts for a nice, hot cup of coffee on the way home and unwittingly changed lanes and drove right past. Arghhh!

Oh, and even before that, the kicker. . .checked my MegaMillions lotto ticket with the automatic scanner at the grocery store. Scanned the ticket, waited and then saw the message, "Sorry, Not a Winner."

In that moment, I felt like the machine was speaking right to me rather than referring to my non-winning lottery ticket. In that pause between breathes, I felt like "Not a Winner" summed up my life.

Clearly, be it hormones or this grey, winter day, I am just feeling sorry for myself. Yes, I've had some tough times. Yes, things have not always gone my way (least of all the ill-starred junior high cheer leading tryouts of 1979!). But for the most part, I do think I've been able to rise above my circumstances and misfortunes and make a pretty great life. I've traveled and seen a lot of the world. I had a pretty successful career. I have a great and handsome husband who I love. I have a smart, healthy and also handsome baby boy who makes me smile every time I see him. I am healthy and have a cozy, warm home and food to eat. So much wealth. So many good things to be grateful for.

Let's face it, I'm not the homeless guy at Six Corners who lives in the bus shelter and seems to do nothing day in and day out but hang out there and try to survive.

So, why, in the midst of everything that we have, is it so easy on some days to only focus on what seems to be lacking? Even on those days when we can't put an exact name on what we lack, how is it that you can feel so alone? So lost?

I wish I knew the answer. And I wish I'd stop taking pronouncements from lotto machines quite so personally. . .stupid machine.

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