Saturday, January 29, 2011

Too Tired to Deal with the Drama

It seems no matter how much older I get, I still will never understand people.

People you think you know so well are often the ones you end up knowing the least. The ones that surprise you with their seemingly crazy, irrational and selfish behavior.

Take one "friend" of mine. She lives on the other side of the country. We rarely see each other and both have jobs, little children and really busy lives.

But apparently, this makes me a bad friend. Because I am supposed to be checking in with her constantly and commiserating with her every issue and, obviously, I do not do this enough for her liking (even when she doesn't return my phone calls).

But conversely, it's clearly not important for her to check in with me and my issues. In fact in the most recent past, I mostly hear from her when she needs my help with some kind of work-related issue. Never mind that my father was very ill last year, or that I was out of work and stressed out or that finally, I was starting a new job and trying to balance work, toddler, family and home. No, none of that even comes into the equation. I'm just a bad friend. I'm the selfish one.

One to be cut off. One to be ignored. . .Huh. . .

Why is it that you can have a relationship that's clearly out of balance, but the person often getting the short end of the stick ends up being the bad guy?

And why does my not calling her because I am busy trying to take care of my sick father, toddler, home, family, job, mean that I wish her any ill will? Mean that I don't still hold her in a warm place in my heart?

Why does being busy mean that I have to constantly apologize for not being a good friend when this person isn't being a good friend to me?

It reminds me a little bit of a situation in the past when I had my elderly father living with me for six months while he recovered from a severe stroke. I had a full-time job and was his only caregiver and a friend of mine had the audacity during what was quite possibly one of the lowest points in my life to tell me that she was feeling a "definite lack of friend" on my part. Oh right, I'm supposed to be giving more to you when I haven't really anything to give. I was exhausted. Tapped out.

I'm aggravated and confounded by it all, yet again. Part of me thinks that I should figure out a way to repair the rift and another part of me says just forget it. Let it slide away. Do I need a friend that creates drama and contempt out of nothing, for no good reason?

It's tiring just thinking about it. And frankly, I don't have the energy or desire to deal with it.

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