Playing Catch Up

Last posts were bleak and wintry and often about illness.

I'm happy to report that summer and good health have been reigning supreme. Work is still up in the air (still consulting and have been busy until about a month ago, am getting a strange number of job offers out of the blue!) but good. Am considering taking a real job again (one of the offers seems particularly intriguing).

Still not as far with the decluttering as I would have liked and have subsequently discovered thrift stores! Much of Henry's cute summer wardrobe and my own new wardrobe additions are thrift store finds. Score! Have also rediscovered the delights of the public library. Especially here in Chicago--where you can request books online and they let your know when they are in for pick up at your favorite branch. Awesome. My tax dollars at work in a way that actually feels beneficial. Great.

Need to dash out to buy groceries, pick up more library books and also make some lunch for me, Henry and the nanny. Then time, hopefully to try and tidy my office which is a downright disgrace of a mess. Shame on me.

Feel like I've been good at tackling messiness and disorganisation little by little. Still big piles to get rid of, some kind of inexpensive vacation to be planned, garage sale to be held. Lots to do and never enough time or sleep. Outdoor space this year is fab, however. New outdoor rug (craigslist find) was super addition to deck, creates a terrific outdoor play room for baby. Lots of flowers and red, juicy tomatoes ready for picking all around. Am LOVING our deck this year.

Baby Henry is a walking, talking wonder of a boy. At 19 months, he's a curly headed blond bombshell with a vocabulary of 100 words that he likes to use often. A boy who knows his own mind and will let you know it, but also a cheerful, loving little chap. What did we ever do with all our extra time before his arrival?

Having baby at almost 44 = best decision ever made. Keen to win the lottery one day. But can't be greedy. In so many ways, feel like I already did!

Puke-Free Friday

This has been a challenging week.

Baby Henry had stomach flu and managed to cut two molars at the same time. Needness to say, both of his parents are sleep deprived. But our happy boy is back and puke free (I got the total non-formula, chunky puke christening on Monday night--lucky me!).

Had a meeting yesterday with the folks I've been working for re: my new contract. It was actually quite pleasant and the partner I met with was very complementary about me and my work for the company.

Seriously, sometimes I think that I get myself so tightly wound and stressed out about things for no good reason. I was dreading the meeting all week and it turned out to be totally reasonable and pleasant.

My own head is often my own worst enemy. I think it's time to re-read A New Earth. Time to stop with the self-defeating dialogue and arguements that I have with people in my own head. For whatever reason, I often think that people are angry with me when they are not angry at all. Need to start living in the moment and stop needlessly stressing over non-existant issues that are just of my own imagining.

Seriously!

The Path Ahead

So, four inches of snow yesterday was a major underestimate! By the time I got outside to shovel (around 9:30 pm) there was more than a foot of the stuff surrounding our little house. We're talking serious snow removal.

I did the front steps/porch and path up from the sidewalk, the sidewalk in front and the path at the side of the house, the stairs leading to the deck/back door and then also the deck and back door area. I left the path from deck stairs to garage and front of garage for Craze to tackle--my back was killing me after all that heavy lifting! Not to mention that it was snowing the whole time I shoveled, so I came into the house looking like a snow woman come to life.

Despite the snow, our nanny was back today. I hit the 9am weight watchers meeting (-2.4 lbs this week for a total of 14.2 lost so far!) and then met a woman for coffee who has been working for the same company I have been working for. Unhappily for us both, she has also been having a challenging time with the partners and has also been concerned with their ethical standards in some of her dealings with them. Aye, yaye, yaye. . .

Why can nothing ever seem to be just straight forward?

It got me thinking though that there must be a way to join forces with women in a similar situation (smart and hard workers who want to 1) work from home and 2) not work 5 days a week and/or the crazy hours that jobs in our professional often seem to require nowadays). Maybe it's time to revisit my consulting business, but from more of a full-service perspective with other consultants making up the team. Other people do it and have success. Why can't I?

Why do I keep looking for the least disagreeable working option, when really what I need to be doing is creating my own option, suited entirely to me?

I think it's clear that my current position isn't going anywhere. So, it's time I made a way for myself. Now, where I'd put that shovel?

Snow Day!

Nanny's car broke down this morning (well, her room-mates car really), so no nanny today. Work was quiet so it turned out to be a nice day, just the two of us.

Baby Henry and I played, had lunch (he ate cottage cheese, peas, pears, and hummus on whole wheat bread, oh, and some cucumber), he napped some, I did some laundry and wrote some belated bday cards and then he did a little art project for Daddy for Valentine's day. All while the snow fell and fell outside creating a deep and quiet blanket of white.

At least four inches out there now if not more. I think once Craze gets home I'll head outside and do a little shoveling. It will be nice to get some fresh air and shoveling always seems so gratifying for some reason. Not sure how to go forward?. . .Just shovel, shovel, shovel. . .voila, a clear path ahead. If only life in general was so straight forward.

Not so stressed out by my work situation. After 10 days of intense online research and numerous emails to old work colleagues, I still don't have any new business opportunities. But I'm just taking a Candide sort of attitude, "everything is for the best in this best of all possible worlds."

It will all work out, one way or another. I'll figure it out. I always have. I'm a superior figureitouter.

Sick-Os

Baby is sick. Mama is sick.

I dragged myself out to a client meeting yesterday for the job I may only have for another four weeks. It was fine. I dosed myself with Emergen-C and Wal-act before going out in the bitter cold to drive to the near-airport burbs, park in a big concrete parking structure and then attend a somewhat boring meeting. Then off to Target to buy milk and a few other odds and ends on the way home.

I think I have a bad attitude. And just feel sort of disheartened. Adrift.

This is probably due, in part, to the fact that 1) I feel terrible (head is full, tired, runny nose, sneezing) and 2) I'm still irritated by my job situation (or, potentially-soon-to-be-lack-of-job situation).

I did have a brilliant idea yesterday, though. Maybe I can do what I've been doing for the past months for another company. One with deeper pockets and better clients (i.e. I'll be able to do more challenging and creative work and have better job security). Anyway, that's the idea. Get someone to pay me a monthly retainer to work for them exclusively for 2 or 3 days a week (hopefully, mostly from home). I have someone in mind and I sent them an email earlier today to see if we could meet for lunch. They might be interested. I guess it never hurts to ask!

In the meantime, the sick baby is goofing around in his crib instead of napping. And mama needs a nap. And her own blankie, a box of tissues, some more Emergen-C. And a reason to hope that this whole work thing will work itself out.

Well, if it's any consolation, the sun is shining (after about a week of dark, dull, grey days). And maybe I'll have to take that as a good sign. . .

I Am Filled with Perturbation (and, yes, that really is a word!)

So, I find myself perturbed today.

Had a call with one of the partners of the company I work for and while they previously extended my contract verbally until the end of April (though, funnily enough, never actually sent me the actual updated contract), they have now decided that I have until the end of February to bring in a new big account or my monthly retainer arrangement is kaput!

I'm perturbed that they have gone back on their word and that I have so little time to make things happen (considering they have been loading my plate with other work to do well beyond my agreed retainer hours, which has taken my eye off of my new business ball). Also, since they acknowledge that I've worked hard and been a great contributor to their business, it just makes me wonder about the kind of people I'm working with. . .True to their word? Hmmm, maybe not.

So, after hanging up the phone and a bout of momentary moaning and groaning, I made a list of possible career options to consider:

1. Go hell-bent-for-leather about trying to drum up new business and try to turn the contract situation around (but even if I win something, will I find myself in the same situation in another 2, 4 or 6 months?).

2. Continue working for the next month (giving it my best) and then plan on going back to my own, non-exclusive, consulting business if I don't score a big win (which was dead as a doornail last year and, since it is very hard to schedule in advance, presents real childcare issues).

3. Win the lottery (This is an excellent plan until you get to the third step in the plan, i.e. 1) buy ticket; 2: check to see if you won; 3: make alternative plan in absence of lottery win. . .)

4. Get a real job (i.e. not working for myself, probably not able to work from home). Possible increased job security and financial stability, but other clear trade-offs.

Oh. . .what to do?

Somehow, though perturbed, I'm not actually surprised. I've had a feeling since the holidays that something was going on behind the scenes related to me and my position. The business partners are famously secretive and it's not a quality about how they run their business that I really appreciate.

I sort of feel like a weight has been lifted. What I've suspected is now out of the bag and, if I'm honest, I haven't been loving the work I've been doing lately. It's often challenging merely in the frustation of dealing with people who can't make up their minds, are often in disagreement, often provide poor direction but then are unhappy if you don't get everything exactly right the first time. It's not challenging in healthy way that feels like you're learning and growning and just able to do your best work.

So, I appear to be at another career crossroads. I need to make money to help support my family. That is without question. But which is the best way to turn?

Well, I guess at least I have four weeks to try and figure that out. . .

She Bites

I just bit him. Really hard. My 13 month old baby boy.

Totally by accident.

I was holding him. The phone rang. I picked up the phone, said "hello" and the next thing I know, his thumb is in my mouth and I bit it accidentally. There was a shocked look of disbelief and then a good 10 minutes of serious, pained screaming, tears and agonized writhing.

Poor guy. I totally don't know how it happened really.

Nanny leaves because she's sick (puking everywhere, poor girl). Mommy takes over. Bites baby really hard on the thumb. And isnt getting any of her real work done.

Today, I appear to be failing at both my jobs!

Working Mama Maggie?

I actually have a job interview on Tuesday. Not just any interview. . .a breakfast meeting. . .FANCY!

We'll see what happens. I'm in two minds about the whole thing. On one hand, I'm excited about the prospect of making good money again (pay off the credit cards and not have to worry every month about how to pay the mortgage!) and having interesting work to do. On the other hand, I'm not relishing going back to the daily downtown commute and being away from my baby during the day.

Clearly these are issues that most working moms have and find ways to overcome, but it just seems SO hard. Couple that with the fact that at five months, I have never left baby Henry with anyone but my husband and you have a mom with serious separation anxiety. I feel sad about being away from my little babe.

What to do?

I'm hoping I can work part-time three or four days a week (and if four days, maybe one day working from home). That would make the whole thing more do-able for me. More palatable.

I miss my baby already (and he's only in the next room taking a nap!).

Aside from that, this work-from-home-for-the-past-four-years-often-in-my-PJs woman needs to tart herself up for Tuesday. This afternoon sees a haircut. I already colored my grey, grey roots a couple of days ago. Next, I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to wear!!!!

PTL!

It was happened! Fingers crossed, the jobless wasteland of the past 12 months is beginning to evaporate.

Last week, I got a call about not just one long-term job, but TWO. AND I got some consulting work to boot. Not a ton, but enough hours to pay a good chunk of my mortgage this month. Hallelujah!

It still remains to be seen if either of the potential long-term jobs will really materialize, but I'm excited that things seem to be turning a corner.

Don't Cry for Me, Mr. Tax Dude

Tax day was REALLY taxing since we ended up having to pay both the federal and state governments as I was behind on my self-employment taxes. Oh brother!!!

Just what I need when I'm broke. . .another big bill. Thanks, IRS. It really depressed me. Also, my tax people confirmed my worst fear: since I'm self-employed, I can't apply for unemployment in the state of Illinois. I almost started to cry right at Mr. Tax Dude's desk (but I managed not to--thank god). That pretty much put the rest of the day onto a downward slope. Even baby Henry was in a somber mood.

But today I'm pulling myself up by my bootstraps! I need a more positive attitude if I'm going to find a solution to our financial problems (i.e. I need to get some work!).

So, I'm being thankful for what I have, not stressing about what I don't and touching base with people I haven't talked to in a while, i.e. opening myself up for the universe to give me a hand here. I actually have a call next Thursday about a job opportunity--so fingers crossed!!!! Double crossed, in fact!!!! Even some consulting work would be a HUGE break for us at the moment.

A Secret Told on the Breeze?

Some days, like today, I feel sort of lost. I look for purpose in feeding the baby, cleaning the kitchen sink, loading up the dishwasher. General tidying. Trying to do what needs to be done and putting things in order. There's a momentary sense of rightness in seeing things cleaned and put away. In knowing that my baby is content and happy and that even when he cries endlessly in his cranky teething mode, I am good and patient and calming with him.

But I still feel out of place. Neither here nor there. A stay-at-home mom but not, since I really need to find a job to make ends meet. A career woman who knows she would rather be at home cleaning the sink and singing the Itsy Bitsy Spider even for the 78th time. Stuck in the middle.

My husband tells me to get out of the house, but there are few places to go that don't require spending money. I guess now that the weather is better that I just need to get into a walking habit with the baby. Fresh air and blue skies might blow away the cobwebs and help me get over the post-pregnancy frumpiness I feel. Maybe the breeze will tell me something I need to know. Let me in on the secret that holds the key to real contentment. Help me feel confident again. As a career woman AND a mom. As the woman I long to be.

An "Epic" Couple of Days

My household cleaning and organization chores have been totally side-tracked by freelance work (hurray!) and free movie tickets (more hurray!).

I've done way more consulting work than cleaning in the past two days, so my upstairs is still dusty and untidy just like the downstairs. It's hard to be annoyed though when I've been making moolah by the hour.

Also, Craze made me sign up for a chance to win free advance screening tickets to see "Australia" and I won! We went last night. The film is a lovely and sweeping epic that I thoroughly enjoyed. Beware though. . .if you're anything like me, this is a major hankie movie, so go prepared. I had unfortunately neglected to have any tissues in my purse so sniffled and cried loudly throughout until Craze found a cast-off Dunkin Donuts napkin in his backpack (at which point I sniffled into that for the remainder of the film).

It really was a great movie though. It's hard not to like anything with Hugh Jackman as far as I'm concerned (and Nicole Kidman is no slouch either, just not as pleasing to my eye) but that aside, the film had the whole audience crying (even Craze!), oohing, ahhing and clapping with glee when the bad guy finally got his at the end. I love it when that happens.

So, I am off now. Must. Really. Go. Clean. . .Yes. Really.

I Swear to God. . .

Not five minutes after I hit "Publish Post" on my last blog entry, I got an email about a new consulting job that actually looks definite and may start next week!

Thank You, Universe!!!!

Rich In Lots of Ways (Just Not the Money One)

Just back from the doc's today for my monthly exam. Apparently, everything in my last ultrasound was great and looked just as it should. And my doctor also said that she is really pleased with how I've been managing my weight so far (which, as a heavy girl my entire life, is the first time anyone has every patted me on the back for weight management!).

She said, at my current rate of gaining, I may weigh less than I did before I got pregnant after I give birth. Wow! Wouldn't that be great?!? "Yes, I shed pounds with the nine-month pregnancy diet. Worked for me!"

Still no work to be had, though. Lots of people said they might need help in September, but nothing has materialized yet. I am in super frugality mode. Luckily, Craze gets his monthly bonus next week and it might be a really good one, since he's been working really hard and doing extra jobs. I just wish I'd get one good job to come a long. That would be truly great!

The good news on the money front is, we pretty much have all the baby stuff we need for our December arrival--almost all of it gleaned economically from craig's list and yard sales this summer. I just need to get the room painted and organized. And we're still having a baby shower in a couple of weeks, so more baby gifts to come from my lovely in-laws. Given my own lack of real family support, I am truly blessed with the BEST in-laws. Everyone, from my brother-in-law's wife, to my mother-in-law and even Craze's aunts, could not have been nicer or more generous to me over the past few years. I may not have a rich husband, but he's made me rich in so many other ways!

The bad news on the money front? We seem to be going through another breakdown phase. The attic fan got fixed about a week ago, which set us back $325. Then yesterday in our "Thank You, Hurricane Gustav" Day of pouring rain here in Chicago, our upstairs skylight started to leak for the first time ever. Oh. . .and today on the way to the doc appointment, I realized there's something seriously up with the car. It's a stick shift and wouldn't get in gear, literally. Lots of engine revving and SLOW moving. Luckily, it didn't break down on me on the expressway.

I guess even in disrepair and an economic crunch, there are still things to be thankful for!

Friday Wallowing and Freeing Up Space

It's Friday at 1:35pm and I am still in my pajamas. Wallowing? Oh, just a little bit.

Craze is slightly cranky and somewhat over-worked. He's been trying to take as many jobs as possible since I have had none for many months now. But that means working earlier and later and it's making him grumpy. He may even need to work some this holiday weekend (even though he also worked last weekend). He works on commission, so the end of the month is always a rat race to get projects done so they can be billed out and he can make more money.

I'm REALLY appreciative of his extra efforts to bring in the cash and am trying to help by continuing to manage our other household expenses with increasing frugality. Oh, how I wish I could just get some work to do! In the meantime, I'm going to try and sell a lot of our unnecessary clutter on craigslist. I have valuable stuff tucked away here and there that I'll never use again, so time to be rid of it and help out the Sumner family finances.

Getting rid of all this extra junk really needs to be done to make room for the Crazelette. Also, since I've scored lots of baby bargains at summer yard sales and through craigslist buys, I need a place to put all this soon-to-be useful baby stuff.

I'm hoping that freeing up space will open the way for new things to come into our lives. . .um . . . like a few good consulting jobs for the mom-to-be. Or a lottery win. . .either would suit me just fine.

In the meantime, I'm hoping that Craze and I and you and yours grab some time this long end-of-summer weekend to enjoy the simple things and the lovely weather. Happy Weekend!

Roll on September!

Yesterday I spent a good chunk of the day trying to drum up some business via email. Thankfully, I actually got some replies back from colleagues saying they'll probably need help in September. Roll on September! Maggie Mamma needs to make a mint before baby arrives!

Fingers crossed something comes through. Business has been dry as a bone for the past three months. Nada. Nothing. Not a single, tiny assignment. Weird!

Anyway, I guess that means I need to get my ass in gear on the baby room front as September will be here before you know it and I'm hoping I'll be busy making moolah.

I'm a Married, Pregnant "Goddess"

Tea was yum and fun. Quite an enjoyable 90 minutes really.

Today was mostly about grocery shopping before the hoards hit the stores for all their July 4th festivities. We, the Sumners, unfortunately aren't having any festivities and haven't been invited to any either. Total bummer. I guess we'll just have to settle for the neighborhood fireworks that start early and go on well into the night. Literally, we sit on our back porch and watch them for hours as every one in the city of Chicago seems to be letting off their illegal firework caches--often right in the alley behind our house.

My pregnancy woes of the moment are two-fold: 1) I'm totally itchy. All over. Often. It's really annoying. And 2) My right hip is really painful. I feel like a geriatric in need of a hip replacement. Hey, I know I'm old. But I'm not that old.

Still no work from all my career pot stirring and meetings of late. So, I guess I'll just keep repeating the mantra I heard on TV the other day, "The Universe is conspiring in my favor." "The Universe is conspiring in my favor." That and hope for the best.

Oh, did I mention I have a new admirer? Leroy, the black deli counter guy at the Jewel, caught my eye late last week and then proceeded to stalk me to the check-out lane and then even out to the parking lot. He told me I was a goddess. I thanked him and then told him that I was a married, pregnant goddess. Today, I'd been in Jewel literally 30-seconds and was innocently looking at nectarines when there he was again, chatting me up.

Leroy, dude. I am married. And pregnant. And while I find your attentions somewhat flattering, I also find them somewhat creepy. I didn't give you my number or show you anything other than basic common courtesy. So, can I just get that half pound of roast beef and be on my way? Thank you.

I can see I'm gonna have to take Craze on my next shopping trip. Sorry, Leroy.

Did I Really Say. . . Gulp. . . . . . . . . . .Mini Van?!?

I spent some time yesterday emailing more business contacts to try and drum up some work. I've actually had a couple of replies and one potential opportunity--so fingers crossed I get some work soon!

Today was the monthly appointment with my baby parts doctor. My little boy's heartbeat was beating for the band and everything else was A-OK. I'm now 14 weeks 3 days. Hurray for the Crazen (or Baby Craze or, oddly, Banjo, as he is sometimes called)!

The nurse asked me if I have an "fetal movement" yet, which I don't. But I'm excited for the moment it finally happens--probably in the next few weeks.

Oh, and about that stinky, big-headed foster dog. You know. . .the one who likes to stick his wet nose up your butt while you're asleep. Yeah. . .that's the one. Well, since his adoption fell through, we've had no other interested parties stepping up to adopt him. He's been shedding like crazy (like vacuuming at least four times a week crazy) but otherwise he's really settled into life in the Sumner household. We've had him now for over two months and I hate to admit it. . .but I think we're going to have to keep him.

I guess I'll have to make some $$$ soon cause we'll be needing a mini van for transporting our hairy (and not-so-hairy) brood of pets and baby. . .and all that extra dog chow. Yikes!

Being Thrifty. . .and Zitty

Today is all about tidying up and seeking out bargains.

I have to get a wedding present for some friends and think I will buy and wrap it myself to save the wrapping and shipping costs of buying online. Plus, I'm sure I have a Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon around here somewhere that I can use. Yes, I'm being thrifty! I have errands to run at Target and think I might also check out Aldi where I haven't shopped since circa 1982.

I had a meeting on Tuesday with a potential new client that went pretty well, so we'll see if anything materializes. Otherwise, work has been dead as a doornail. Now that all my relations have flown the coop, I need to do some work and make some dough before the babe arrives in December. Fingers crossed something turns up. Clearly, I need to think of some ideas to stir the pot a little and remind folks I'm here.

Other than that, things are going good. I'm spotting again, but nothing major so I'm not too worried (and going to the doc for my regular appointment in a few days anyway) and yesterday I just put my feet up most of the day. I got my hair lopped off by the young Albanian again on Monday in preparation for my Tuesday meeting. It turned out pretty good. Something else that turned up for my Tuesday meeting? The beginnings of the biggest zit I've possibly ever had which has now taken over the right side of my nose. Lovely, right?

I look a little like a pregnant, Halloween witch with cute hair right about now. Nice. But, my pretty, I really don't care. I'm feeling good, if fatter, and the window is open with a cool breeze wafting my way and the sun is shining. How can that be bad?

Saltines and Ginger Ale

Free Day!

Secret Project finally complete: check!

Time is my own again (no calls to wait for, email to check, nothing to write or review or blah, blah, blah): check!

Sun is shining and I'm going out to shop: double check!

I'm so excited about having some time to myself, I hardly know what to do first (napping is the first thing that comes to mind, but not gonna happen 'til later). I think I'm going to head to Target for odds and ends and then onto TJ Maxx to see if they have a lovely purse for spring that I really don't need. I'm jones-ing for a new purse.

Could the afore-mentioned jones-ing be the reason for my persistent queasiness today? I'm either pregnant or about to have a visit from my aunt (as some say, but I've always found annoying). Time will tell. . . saltines and ginger ale anyone?