So Much Time Gone By. . .

So much time has elapsed since my last blog entry that I actually forgot how to log into this thing again!

What to say? My little newborn is now one year and 17 days old. He is a funny, chatty, expressive little wonder. And I wonder daily what I ever did to deserve this amazing (and amazingly blond) little babe. (Said his dark-haired mother.)

I did finally get three job offers. I turned down the "big" job with a fat paycheck, fancy title and big office in downtown Chicago in favor of working 3-4 days per week for a consulting firm where I can continue to work from home. I think it was a great decision. I have a nanny now on my working days, but see my son often during my work day and never feel like I've missed something important. And my job doesn't own my life. I still own it.

Working more frequently while caring for a baby has been a big adjustment, but we are in a much better financial place now. So, much better than last Christmas when we were broke and I used my holiday gift cards on diapers and formula and prayed at Christmas that I would keep finding ways to scrimp, sell or earn in order to cover the mortgage.

Nevertheless, with our new-found income, we have continued to be pretty frugal. Paying down debt accumulated in leaner times and hitting the yard/garage sales like crazy this past summer. I'm still amazed at how well I can do buying lots of things second hand (baby stuff especially). Better financially and better for the environment. A real win-win.

We are still living in that little, sometimes drafty, almost 90-year-old house in Chicago. I'm still thinking of replacing the kitchen floor and redoing the downstairs bathroom and, lately, with a crawling-trying-to-walk baby around, thinking of getting the hardwoods covered with less injurious carpet. But none of the above has been done. My frugal nature insists that I get rid of remaining debt before incurring new costs. So, new kitchen floor and living room carpet in 2010? We'll see.

Craze and I are still going strong. Next June marks 10 years of togetherness. For a guy who seemed to have no interest in kids, he has proved to be a committed, funny and tender dad, who never shirks a diaper change and loves nothing better than the sound of his son's laugh and his beaming little face.

Our animal family is still here, too. Bug, who is mostly terrified of kids, loves Henry. She is so very good with him. The formerly-stinky-big-headed-foster-dog who became our dog is still here, too. He is, however, the most expensive dog of all time (at least in our experience) because of his hip issues and previous leg break (was hit by a car years before we adopted him), but we love him and he loves us and now, at least, I'm actually making some money to pay for his care. And who needs a beach vacation when instead you've got a 70-lb golden haired boyfriend who likes to try and sit in your lap most days? And the Alley Cat and Grey round out that little pack. Both are purring along, soft and sleek and lovable as ever.

I am still heavy. Yeah, I lost the baby weight, but was pretty big to begin with and it's all still there. I'm the frumpiest I've ever been, but mostly zen about it all. On a whim, I had a bunch of my long hair cut off a couple months ago into an impossibly high-maintenance hair cut that made me look like a scarecrow if I didn't straighten it daily. The bleach blond peek-a-boo highlights didn't help. Needless to say, I looked like a scarecrow post-cut most days. Thankfully, two months of growth and a ten-minute hair color session has made me look more presentable (no more peek-aboo!) and I'm looking forward to more hair (along with other changes) in 2010.

I joined Weight Watchers just before Thanksgiving and have lost 5.4 lbs in five weeks. Not bad considering this has included Thanksgiving, baby bday party (and homemade chocolate cake!) and run-up to Christmas. And frankly, while it would be nice to break out of the frump rut, I am more committed to just being in better shape. I would love nothing better than to be able to sit on the floor and play with my son and get up from said floor with ease. It's the "ease" part that I need to work on and Weight Watchers is a first step in that direction.

Not to mention, I have a cute, thin husband who still manages to love me even though I look pretty awful most days lately. Looking and feeling better certainly couldn't hurt in the relationship department.

And like myself, my house is sort of frumpy, too. Aside from the old, chipped kitchen floor, crummy downstairs loo and lack of living room carpet, the onslaught of baby toys and gear has made our clutter issues seem so much worse (and I think caring for a little one has made it a lot easier for the clutter to pile up and stay piled up). My wish for 2010 is that I can streamline myself and my stuff and make my home more livable and easy to clean/maintain in order. It's time for a big purge, all around.

All that said, 2009 was a financially stressful year and the lack of sleep from 7+ months of night-time feedings/baby not sleeping through the night made it harder. But at the same time, it was really an amazing, pivotal year in my life. Having birthed my babe last December, 2009 is the year when I really became a mother in caring for that little boy every single day. It has been the most amazing gift of my life. And even with no money coming in and sitting up for those 4 am feedings, I remember sitting in the dark in his room and reminding myself to cherish every moment. And I think I will remember those middle-of-the-night hours spent nursing and quietly singing to him, looking outside at the snow quietly falling or the shadows on the wall, wondering what this little person would grow to be, for the rest of my life.

And I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude. That my child is healthy and happy, tall and bright. That we still have a warm, cozy roof over our heads. That we find a reason to laugh at least once a day. That I have met new people who shine a light into my life through their own faith and selflessness. That I have founds ways to give back to others who have less.

So, I guess really 2009 was more about riches than anything. I may be frumpy, but I'm sort of fantastic as well. And I guess that's pretty great.

Too Tight for Tea and the Sea Creature Next Door

Ahh sweet mother. . .there is nothing better than a piping hot cup of latte in the morning. Even my own, cobbled together with non-espresso coffee and microwaved milk. Delish!

A friend from out of town is in town and I met her and another "friend" (acquaintance now, really) for tea at the Four Seasons on Friday afternoon. While I do love high tea, it was hard to enjoy it because I knew it's really just too expensive a thing for me to be doing right now. Over fifty bucks including downtown parking, for teeny sandwiches and cookies just slightly bigger than your thumbprint. Kooky, really.

But what's done is done and I must try not to live in perpetual financial regret.

Today we're actually meeting these same friends for lunch. This time Craze is coming and we're going to an Indian buffet, so hopefully we can both have a good meal without doing too much financial damage. I really do look forward to eating out nowadays since it's been relegated to the "not now, maybe later" list of things we put off until the day when we have more household income.

I have a call with a company next Friday about some consulting work (it got postponed from last week). I'm really crossing my fingers that they need help. Oh, how I want to work and bring in the cash again. I do not enjoy being SO cash strapped.

In other news, my gypsy (and I mean REAL gypsies!) next door neighbor, just got colored contact lenses that make her look crazy. She is very olive skinned with dark, dark eyes but suddenly now has light, aquamarine eyes that make her look like the love child of the Man from Atlantis and some kind of Sci Fi Channel creature. Weird! So weird in fact, that it's hard not to look at her face without staring at those crazy eyes. How can she possibly think this is a good look for her?

I'm dumbfounded, really. The other thing I find surprising is that she's an unmarried mother of three with no job who lives (and has always lived) with her parents. How can she justify the expense of colored contact lenses when her parents are supporting her and her three kids? Grandma is a waitress at a local diner and grandpa has not one but two blue collar jobs to support all of them (plus their 30-something son who also never works).

I guess if I remind myself that Ms. Crazy Eyes is the same woman who I regularly saw outside smoking last summer throughout the duration of her third pregnancy, I shouldn't be very surprised. . .

But still I am. . .

The older I get the more I realize that people and their behaviors are a never-ending mystery.

A Secret Told on the Breeze?

Some days, like today, I feel sort of lost. I look for purpose in feeding the baby, cleaning the kitchen sink, loading up the dishwasher. General tidying. Trying to do what needs to be done and putting things in order. There's a momentary sense of rightness in seeing things cleaned and put away. In knowing that my baby is content and happy and that even when he cries endlessly in his cranky teething mode, I am good and patient and calming with him.

But I still feel out of place. Neither here nor there. A stay-at-home mom but not, since I really need to find a job to make ends meet. A career woman who knows she would rather be at home cleaning the sink and singing the Itsy Bitsy Spider even for the 78th time. Stuck in the middle.

My husband tells me to get out of the house, but there are few places to go that don't require spending money. I guess now that the weather is better that I just need to get into a walking habit with the baby. Fresh air and blue skies might blow away the cobwebs and help me get over the post-pregnancy frumpiness I feel. Maybe the breeze will tell me something I need to know. Let me in on the secret that holds the key to real contentment. Help me feel confident again. As a career woman AND a mom. As the woman I long to be.

April Already? Time Flies When You're Not Sleeping

Oh, how long it's been, dear blog. That's what happens. One day your little babe is just a little over a week old and suddenly fast-forward and he's four months and five days old already. And you wonder where the time went. . .well, it wasn't spent sleeping. That's for sure. Especially when you're still getting up for those middle-of-the-night feedings. . .

I guess time indeed does fly when your a new, first-time, now 44-year-old mom.

My little one continues to thrive. His formerly broken arm is pretty much as good as new. In fact, my almost three-week-early "little" babe is something of a giant now. 27 inches long and 17 pounds at the four-month mark. He's pretty much outgrowing his 6-month size clothes already. And he's an early teether--been teething already for weeks. Those bottom front teeth are about to pop any day and, oh boy, are they making him, my usually sweet and flirty little boy, a crank monster.

And me? Well, it's a mixed bag. Still no work, so money is a constant worry. And I'm torn. I love looking after my child and my home, but my husband doesn't make enough for me to stay at home full-time. Hopefully, I can find something part-time, but any job is hard to come by at the moment. I've been in touch with long-time colleagues in my profession to see if they have any openings or know of any and I've been surprisingly totally blown off for the most part. I find it hurtful and quite staggering. People that I know very little, acquaintances really, have been the most helpful in my job search. I guess it just goes to show that you can never really know some people. People are often not, in reality, who they lead you to believe they are. Well, never mind.

If I wasn't so broke, I might actually say that this was one of the happiest times of my life. Heck. I'll say it any way. This is one of the happiest times of my life.

I have a little miracle child and every day I find more reasons to be grateful. Grateful for my wonderful, hard-working, funny husband who clearly loves being the father of his child. Grateful that the sun is shining on my back and spring is finally coming to still-cold Chicago. Grateful that I can be honestly content with what I have. Grateful that even in these hard times, we will find a way to get by. This I know.

In the end, everything will be really fine. Better than fine. Possibly great.

Feeling Tingly, Sleep Deprived and Flashy

This third trimester where I currently find myself is rife with weird symptoms and anxiety-causing complaints. Firstly, my hands. In the past five days, my finger tips are constantly numb and tingly. It's weird and worrying.

I'm headed to the doctor's today for my 2-week pregnancy check in and was seriously worrying that I might have developed some kind of terrible ailment. Then I read on Web Md this morning that carpal tunnel syndrome is common in the third trimester due to fluid retention (and yours truly gave up wearing her wedding and engagement rings about a month ago). This did put my mind at rest somewhat, but it's still so bothersome to feel pins and needles in your fingertips 24/7.

The other thing that's out of whack is my sleep.

Now, I should start off by saying that I LOVE to sleep. I am a good sleeper who can typically sleep anywhere and through almost anything (in college, I slept through a tornado touching down outside my dorm room window). But aside from my 4, 5 and even 6 nightly trips to the bathroom, in the past week, I've just been waking up at 3, 4 and 5 o'clock in the morning and been wide awake. So, after going to bed at my usual midnight to 1 am, I get up with only a couple to a few minuscule hours of sleep.

Needless to say, by mid morning to lunch time, I'm really grumpy and feel rung out (or as my mother used to say, I feel like I've been "drug through a hedge backwards." Which now that I write it sounds confusing, but seems to sum up the feeling nonetheless).

Last but not least, while it's gotten very chilly here in Chicago (in the 20's last night), I swear I keep having hot flashes. This is so unlike me who is routinely freezing from October through April. This 43-year-old wants to know, can you start menopause at the same time you've got a bun in the oven? Truly bizarre.

On the positive side, my little baby is a busy boy who keeps kicking and wriggling around and reminding me that he's getting ready to make his way into this big, wide world. I find his movements reassuring.

And the house is in much better shape--thank goodness. The guest room is pretty much complete (and our first overnight guest was already here yesterday). Still more work to be done in the baby's room and a love seat to be sold on craigslist, but it's little stuff now and the rest of the house is back in better, more pleasing order.

Craze and I had a Come-to-Jesus set-to last week about his continuing accumulation of stuff (and, more importantly, the fact that I realized that while I've been economizing like a miser most of this year, he's still been buying CDs, DVDs and the like to add to his already overwhelming collections and spending money we just can't afford). The result is that he has sworn off any new purchases and has really made an effort to try and organize his stuff in the past days. He's even going to try and sell some of it to make some extra money.

So, while the whole set-to wasn't a pleasant experience, I think it made my shopaholic husband finally realize that he has more pressing financial and family responsibilities that don't require regular trips to Best Buy and FYE. And as tingly, tired and hot flashy as I may feel these days, knowing he's finally getting it makes me feel all the better.

Getting Over Financial Freak-Outs, Babies and Bargains

I talked to my financial advisor lady last week and she talked me off the ledge. Thankfully, on her advise, I didn't sell anything on the stock market's worst day of trading ever and I'm less worried about ending up homeless and destitute with a tiny baby and four pets!

Yes, I've calmed down.

In the meantime, the baby's room is coming along and is at least 80% done. Just some storage and decorating things to resolve/install. My former office, i.e. the new guest room,is also making headway. At least there's a bed in there now! I'm re-purposing a lot of stuff that we already had for everything (old waterfall desk is now changing table, old bookcase + cheap, new plastic baskets = clothing storage for baby, stealing from Craze's antique Disney collection for wall decor) and it's coming along nicely. I also picked up a few great bargains, like a perfect lamp shade for the baby's room for $3 instead of $13. It looks great on my basement find lamp from Craze's old apartment. And I'm proud of my home-made custom framing of a couple cute space ship/rocket prints I ordered online for $10 (instead of the $100+ they wanted for the two pix framed and matted!). I used cheap acrylic box frames ($2.99 each) and a red plastic pocket folder as the bright red matte/background (44 cents!) instead. It took me all of 10-15 mins to frame both prints and they look GREAT in the baby's room with our mod rocket-themed crib set ($31 from walmart.com!). I'm also using the cute crib bumper as a curtain valance instead of in the crib and re-using the old white sheers from our bedroom that I took down last year. All this is completed with a bright red and white polka dot Ikea rug I stole from Craze's CD storage room (where you can't really see the floor anyway, cause there's so much stuff!).

In an increasingly industrious mood, Craze even got out and finished painting the front porch over the past weekend. Shocking!

I'm still in super frugality mode, but it's working out ok. I did break down and buy a baby sweater at Target I've been wanting for ages--but thankfully, it went on sale, so hurray for bargains!

Today I'm off to the baby doc for my 30-week check up. The babe is squirming around like crazy and I'm feeling good, so things are looking sunny.

Taking Stock and Freaking Out a Little

I'm up at an unusually early hour for me. All this financial turmoil has me freaking out just a little and I can't sleep.

My consulting work has still been abysmal and yesterday I realized that my retirement savings account has lost $12,000 in under a week. Normally, I'd just ride with it but given the fact that I have no money coming in and am more than seven months pregnant, I may need to dip into my retirement accounts in the coming months and they are simply slipping away at an alarming rate like the rest of the stock market.

Craze is still working, thank god, but we can't cover our monthly mortgage and expenses with his check alone, even on a good commission month. I'm still in my super frugality mode but I'm really just worried about how we're going to pay our bills over the next year.

I'm worried about me, my new baby, my pets, my husband. I'm just plain old worried, probably like most Americans.

I Swear to God. . .

Not five minutes after I hit "Publish Post" on my last blog entry, I got an email about a new consulting job that actually looks definite and may start next week!

Thank You, Universe!!!!

Rich In Lots of Ways (Just Not the Money One)

Just back from the doc's today for my monthly exam. Apparently, everything in my last ultrasound was great and looked just as it should. And my doctor also said that she is really pleased with how I've been managing my weight so far (which, as a heavy girl my entire life, is the first time anyone has every patted me on the back for weight management!).

She said, at my current rate of gaining, I may weigh less than I did before I got pregnant after I give birth. Wow! Wouldn't that be great?!? "Yes, I shed pounds with the nine-month pregnancy diet. Worked for me!"

Still no work to be had, though. Lots of people said they might need help in September, but nothing has materialized yet. I am in super frugality mode. Luckily, Craze gets his monthly bonus next week and it might be a really good one, since he's been working really hard and doing extra jobs. I just wish I'd get one good job to come a long. That would be truly great!

The good news on the money front is, we pretty much have all the baby stuff we need for our December arrival--almost all of it gleaned economically from craig's list and yard sales this summer. I just need to get the room painted and organized. And we're still having a baby shower in a couple of weeks, so more baby gifts to come from my lovely in-laws. Given my own lack of real family support, I am truly blessed with the BEST in-laws. Everyone, from my brother-in-law's wife, to my mother-in-law and even Craze's aunts, could not have been nicer or more generous to me over the past few years. I may not have a rich husband, but he's made me rich in so many other ways!

The bad news on the money front? We seem to be going through another breakdown phase. The attic fan got fixed about a week ago, which set us back $325. Then yesterday in our "Thank You, Hurricane Gustav" Day of pouring rain here in Chicago, our upstairs skylight started to leak for the first time ever. Oh. . .and today on the way to the doc appointment, I realized there's something seriously up with the car. It's a stick shift and wouldn't get in gear, literally. Lots of engine revving and SLOW moving. Luckily, it didn't break down on me on the expressway.

I guess even in disrepair and an economic crunch, there are still things to be thankful for!

Friday Wallowing and Freeing Up Space

It's Friday at 1:35pm and I am still in my pajamas. Wallowing? Oh, just a little bit.

Craze is slightly cranky and somewhat over-worked. He's been trying to take as many jobs as possible since I have had none for many months now. But that means working earlier and later and it's making him grumpy. He may even need to work some this holiday weekend (even though he also worked last weekend). He works on commission, so the end of the month is always a rat race to get projects done so they can be billed out and he can make more money.

I'm REALLY appreciative of his extra efforts to bring in the cash and am trying to help by continuing to manage our other household expenses with increasing frugality. Oh, how I wish I could just get some work to do! In the meantime, I'm going to try and sell a lot of our unnecessary clutter on craigslist. I have valuable stuff tucked away here and there that I'll never use again, so time to be rid of it and help out the Sumner family finances.

Getting rid of all this extra junk really needs to be done to make room for the Crazelette. Also, since I've scored lots of baby bargains at summer yard sales and through craigslist buys, I need a place to put all this soon-to-be useful baby stuff.

I'm hoping that freeing up space will open the way for new things to come into our lives. . .um . . . like a few good consulting jobs for the mom-to-be. Or a lottery win. . .either would suit me just fine.

In the meantime, I'm hoping that Craze and I and you and yours grab some time this long end-of-summer weekend to enjoy the simple things and the lovely weather. Happy Weekend!

Roll on September!

Yesterday I spent a good chunk of the day trying to drum up some business via email. Thankfully, I actually got some replies back from colleagues saying they'll probably need help in September. Roll on September! Maggie Mamma needs to make a mint before baby arrives!

Fingers crossed something comes through. Business has been dry as a bone for the past three months. Nada. Nothing. Not a single, tiny assignment. Weird!

Anyway, I guess that means I need to get my ass in gear on the baby room front as September will be here before you know it and I'm hoping I'll be busy making moolah.

Money, Money, Money

Like most folks nowadays, Craze and I are pinching pennies. . .also nickels, dimes and quarters for that matter.

Back in my corporate-life-make-lots-of-moolah days, I could be a bit of a spendthrift if truth be told. It was not unusual for me to hit up Bloomingdales and buy not one, but two Coach purses in one shopping spree just because I felt like it. Well, sister, those days sure are gone! It seems like it costs almost as much as a pricey purse just to fill the tank of the Saturn Vue!

Working for myself for the past three years has been a great respite from my almost 20 years of endlessly climbing up that ladder that had no end and left me hopeless and exhausted. But the truth is, I've made a LOT less money. A lot less. But we've gotten by ok.

But last night right before bed, Craze opened our latest credit card statement that had only grocery and Target purchases and started quizzing me about how the bill could possibly be so much for just a month's worth of sustenance. We ended up having our typical monthly discussion about money and thinking of ways to economize even more. I was so tired, but after that, I just couldn't sleep. I just lay there and worried about money. Money, money, money.

My work has been SUPER slow for the past few months. Thankfully, I had a really great first quarter. Really great. And that's been keeping us going since Craze's work has also been slow and not so profitable lately. But with mortgage, insurance, groceries, not to mention Craze's recent $1,300+ hospital stay and our forthcoming bundle of joy, money, or more precisely, the lack thereof, is on my mind a lot.

Yesterday I spent the day on the computer making a list of people to contact for potential work, reaching out to some old contacts, etc. Next week, I'm meeting with someone who's been a good customer. Just trying to stir the pot and see what might materialize in the way of work.

In the meantime, I'm still clipping coupons, remaking leftovers, growing my own tomatoes and peppers and using the A/C less. I think our next big bite-the-bullet move will be to get rid of the cleaning lady. She only comes twice a month for a few hours, but she is less than great and won't even do the stuff I originally hired her to do (like scrub the kitchen floor and clean the base boards). I was going to let her go her when I left my real job, but her husband had recently passed away and I just didn't have the heart to do it. But now, three years on, I think it has to be done. Sorry, Margaret.

In the meantime, I'm going to put my prayer out into the universe for better, more profitable days--not just for my family, but for all those who are feeling the pinch or, even worse, losing their homes to floods and foreclosure. We don't need the freedom to splash out on Coach purses, but what a blessing it is not to worry about the roof over your head or being able to feed your family. May we all be blessed with good work to do, a comfy place to call home, food on the table and the peace of mind that a better tomorrow is hopefully just around the next bend.