She Bites

I just bit him. Really hard. My 13 month old baby boy.

Totally by accident.

I was holding him. The phone rang. I picked up the phone, said "hello" and the next thing I know, his thumb is in my mouth and I bit it accidentally. There was a shocked look of disbelief and then a good 10 minutes of serious, pained screaming, tears and agonized writhing.

Poor guy. I totally don't know how it happened really.

Nanny leaves because she's sick (puking everywhere, poor girl). Mommy takes over. Bites baby really hard on the thumb. And isnt getting any of her real work done.

Today, I appear to be failing at both my jobs!

So Much Time Gone By. . .

So much time has elapsed since my last blog entry that I actually forgot how to log into this thing again!

What to say? My little newborn is now one year and 17 days old. He is a funny, chatty, expressive little wonder. And I wonder daily what I ever did to deserve this amazing (and amazingly blond) little babe. (Said his dark-haired mother.)

I did finally get three job offers. I turned down the "big" job with a fat paycheck, fancy title and big office in downtown Chicago in favor of working 3-4 days per week for a consulting firm where I can continue to work from home. I think it was a great decision. I have a nanny now on my working days, but see my son often during my work day and never feel like I've missed something important. And my job doesn't own my life. I still own it.

Working more frequently while caring for a baby has been a big adjustment, but we are in a much better financial place now. So, much better than last Christmas when we were broke and I used my holiday gift cards on diapers and formula and prayed at Christmas that I would keep finding ways to scrimp, sell or earn in order to cover the mortgage.

Nevertheless, with our new-found income, we have continued to be pretty frugal. Paying down debt accumulated in leaner times and hitting the yard/garage sales like crazy this past summer. I'm still amazed at how well I can do buying lots of things second hand (baby stuff especially). Better financially and better for the environment. A real win-win.

We are still living in that little, sometimes drafty, almost 90-year-old house in Chicago. I'm still thinking of replacing the kitchen floor and redoing the downstairs bathroom and, lately, with a crawling-trying-to-walk baby around, thinking of getting the hardwoods covered with less injurious carpet. But none of the above has been done. My frugal nature insists that I get rid of remaining debt before incurring new costs. So, new kitchen floor and living room carpet in 2010? We'll see.

Craze and I are still going strong. Next June marks 10 years of togetherness. For a guy who seemed to have no interest in kids, he has proved to be a committed, funny and tender dad, who never shirks a diaper change and loves nothing better than the sound of his son's laugh and his beaming little face.

Our animal family is still here, too. Bug, who is mostly terrified of kids, loves Henry. She is so very good with him. The formerly-stinky-big-headed-foster-dog who became our dog is still here, too. He is, however, the most expensive dog of all time (at least in our experience) because of his hip issues and previous leg break (was hit by a car years before we adopted him), but we love him and he loves us and now, at least, I'm actually making some money to pay for his care. And who needs a beach vacation when instead you've got a 70-lb golden haired boyfriend who likes to try and sit in your lap most days? And the Alley Cat and Grey round out that little pack. Both are purring along, soft and sleek and lovable as ever.

I am still heavy. Yeah, I lost the baby weight, but was pretty big to begin with and it's all still there. I'm the frumpiest I've ever been, but mostly zen about it all. On a whim, I had a bunch of my long hair cut off a couple months ago into an impossibly high-maintenance hair cut that made me look like a scarecrow if I didn't straighten it daily. The bleach blond peek-a-boo highlights didn't help. Needless to say, I looked like a scarecrow post-cut most days. Thankfully, two months of growth and a ten-minute hair color session has made me look more presentable (no more peek-aboo!) and I'm looking forward to more hair (along with other changes) in 2010.

I joined Weight Watchers just before Thanksgiving and have lost 5.4 lbs in five weeks. Not bad considering this has included Thanksgiving, baby bday party (and homemade chocolate cake!) and run-up to Christmas. And frankly, while it would be nice to break out of the frump rut, I am more committed to just being in better shape. I would love nothing better than to be able to sit on the floor and play with my son and get up from said floor with ease. It's the "ease" part that I need to work on and Weight Watchers is a first step in that direction.

Not to mention, I have a cute, thin husband who still manages to love me even though I look pretty awful most days lately. Looking and feeling better certainly couldn't hurt in the relationship department.

And like myself, my house is sort of frumpy, too. Aside from the old, chipped kitchen floor, crummy downstairs loo and lack of living room carpet, the onslaught of baby toys and gear has made our clutter issues seem so much worse (and I think caring for a little one has made it a lot easier for the clutter to pile up and stay piled up). My wish for 2010 is that I can streamline myself and my stuff and make my home more livable and easy to clean/maintain in order. It's time for a big purge, all around.

All that said, 2009 was a financially stressful year and the lack of sleep from 7+ months of night-time feedings/baby not sleeping through the night made it harder. But at the same time, it was really an amazing, pivotal year in my life. Having birthed my babe last December, 2009 is the year when I really became a mother in caring for that little boy every single day. It has been the most amazing gift of my life. And even with no money coming in and sitting up for those 4 am feedings, I remember sitting in the dark in his room and reminding myself to cherish every moment. And I think I will remember those middle-of-the-night hours spent nursing and quietly singing to him, looking outside at the snow quietly falling or the shadows on the wall, wondering what this little person would grow to be, for the rest of my life.

And I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude. That my child is healthy and happy, tall and bright. That we still have a warm, cozy roof over our heads. That we find a reason to laugh at least once a day. That I have met new people who shine a light into my life through their own faith and selflessness. That I have founds ways to give back to others who have less.

So, I guess really 2009 was more about riches than anything. I may be frumpy, but I'm sort of fantastic as well. And I guess that's pretty great.

Working Mama Maggie?

I actually have a job interview on Tuesday. Not just any interview. . .a breakfast meeting. . .FANCY!

We'll see what happens. I'm in two minds about the whole thing. On one hand, I'm excited about the prospect of making good money again (pay off the credit cards and not have to worry every month about how to pay the mortgage!) and having interesting work to do. On the other hand, I'm not relishing going back to the daily downtown commute and being away from my baby during the day.

Clearly these are issues that most working moms have and find ways to overcome, but it just seems SO hard. Couple that with the fact that at five months, I have never left baby Henry with anyone but my husband and you have a mom with serious separation anxiety. I feel sad about being away from my little babe.

What to do?

I'm hoping I can work part-time three or four days a week (and if four days, maybe one day working from home). That would make the whole thing more do-able for me. More palatable.

I miss my baby already (and he's only in the next room taking a nap!).

Aside from that, this work-from-home-for-the-past-four-years-often-in-my-PJs woman needs to tart herself up for Tuesday. This afternoon sees a haircut. I already colored my grey, grey roots a couple of days ago. Next, I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to wear!!!!

Hippity Hopping Baby Bunny

My key priority this morning was to dress my 4-month old in a hand-me-down Easter outfit complete with fuzzy white and pink bunny ears. Henry looks like the cutest, most charming little bunny you have ever seen! Have I learned nothing from The Christmas Story?!?!?

Am I going to end up being one of those moms?????

I think I can't help myself. At the moment. Maybe I'll be able to stop before he turns say. . .eight?!?!?

A Secret Told on the Breeze?

Some days, like today, I feel sort of lost. I look for purpose in feeding the baby, cleaning the kitchen sink, loading up the dishwasher. General tidying. Trying to do what needs to be done and putting things in order. There's a momentary sense of rightness in seeing things cleaned and put away. In knowing that my baby is content and happy and that even when he cries endlessly in his cranky teething mode, I am good and patient and calming with him.

But I still feel out of place. Neither here nor there. A stay-at-home mom but not, since I really need to find a job to make ends meet. A career woman who knows she would rather be at home cleaning the sink and singing the Itsy Bitsy Spider even for the 78th time. Stuck in the middle.

My husband tells me to get out of the house, but there are few places to go that don't require spending money. I guess now that the weather is better that I just need to get into a walking habit with the baby. Fresh air and blue skies might blow away the cobwebs and help me get over the post-pregnancy frumpiness I feel. Maybe the breeze will tell me something I need to know. Let me in on the secret that holds the key to real contentment. Help me feel confident again. As a career woman AND a mom. As the woman I long to be.

He Has Arrived!

Well, just less than four hours after my last post, I was awoken at about 4:20am on 12/2/08 to make yet another trip to the bathroom when the unexpected happened. . .my water broke!

After an early am drive to the hospital, followed by several hours of really painful contractions and more puking (whoo-hoo!), the blessed relief of an epidural (not soon enough!) and then a crazy medical emergency when my baby's shoulders got stuck and required the assistance of (and I am not exaggerating) 20 people who descended upon me out of nowhere for the last 2.5 minutes of pushing, the Crazelette was born 14 hours and 22 minutes later.

Almost three weeks early, he never the less weighed in at 9lbs and 4 oz and was almost 22 inches long. Clearly, it's no wonder he got stuck!

His entrance was quite dramatic and the poor guy got a broken left upper arm in the process of being unstuck. Then after being released with me, he was re-hospitalized with jaundice the following day for two nights.

After spending his first night in the NICU because of low blood glucose, the broken arm and the subsequent hospitalization for jaundice, I (who got about four hours of sleep in the first four days of his life) became a blubbering basket case. Thankfully, my in-laws came into town just as Craze and I were driving the babe to the ER as instructed by the doctor because of the jaundice. They were a HUGE help and stayed with us for six days.

Now that our little baby is eleven days old, we are all doing well. His arm is healing nicely and he is a calm, peaceful and robust little boy despite all his beginning of life traumas. I have also had some more sleep and am doing much better and am so pleased to be back home where it is quiet and peaceful and no one is sticking my baby with needles, IVs, etc.

Today is, in fact, the first day that I've been home alone with my baby ever, since the in-laws left late yesterday. It has been a nice day where we slept in 'til 10am (after a couple late night/early morning feedings and diaper changes), sat in the kitchen sunshine for a couple of hours (advised for his jaundice recovery) and snuggled up on the couch while Mommy caught up with a TIVO'd episode of Days of Our Lives. I had a big breakfast but at 5pm, no lunch as yet. That said, I have taken a shower and put on real clothes, so things are looking up.

So, while the babe is still asleep, I'm off to the kitchen for a pre-dinner, instead-of-lunch snack. But before I do, I will just say that in looking at my little boy with his head full of wavy light brown hair, rosebud lips and indented chin that look just like his dad and ten perfect, tiny fingers and toes, at 43 years and 10 months, I feel like I'm looking at a living miracle and I really do feel like the luckiest person in the world.

I Need Some Crib Notes

I am contemplating buying nursery furniture on Craigslist. So, here's the dilemma. . .Today I fold this great deal, $175 for a used Jenny Lind oak crib, changing table, chest of drawers and matching hamper (and crib mattress, but I'd get a new one anyway). The crib looks in good condition, but the seller says it's six years old.

Is this unsafe? Am I a terrible mother for even considering buying a used, six-year-old crib? I am totally torn. But I hate the idea of plonking down a few hundred bucks just for a crib that my child will only sleep in for a couple of years. But on the other hand, his safety is the very most important thing.

What to do???